The Best of Restless Youth

As part of a portfolio-building process that feels like it’s been going on for as long as I’ve been a caustic nerd, I’m going through a bunch of writing I did back when the internet was still all about webcams portals and bulletin boards, looking for my one memorable piece from that whole era.

Which, of course, I can’t find. 

So here’s this, some greatest bits from my most prolific period of writing about nothing:

  • "Coming back from a long trip is kind of like waking up from a coma with souvenirs."
  • "HBO would kill every newborn kitten and religious leader if it would keep The Sopranos on the air.”
  • "I’ve been reading my friend Drew’s webcomic Hugh & Bot for as long as I’ve had eyes, or a computer; or at least as long as Wesley Snipes has been an asshole.”
  • "I’m sure that, deep down, not all Banana Republic sales associates are disingenuous maggots."
  • "Yes. We get it. It’s hot outside. That’s what happens when America gets a bad case of July."
  • "If I did laundry as often as I return messages, my underwear would be as populated as my address book."
  • "She titled her head to the side, eyebrows arched, giving me one of those upward glances that are so enticing and seem to come so naturally to some girls that women must either practice them or pay royalties for their use."
  • "My car needs a bath more desperately than Courtney Love."